What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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