I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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