On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
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