I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
my nose is crying tears of wow.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
