you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
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Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
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I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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