I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
