i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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