you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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