her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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