My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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