I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
