we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
he shaved USA in his pubs
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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