I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
