That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
