Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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