theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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