I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
