I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Randomize
