I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
