i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
is wine microwaveable?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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