When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
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Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
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I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?