I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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