ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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