She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
