mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I think my vagina is haunted
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
