I feel like abortions should bother me more
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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