I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
