I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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