Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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