Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
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I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
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It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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