she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
