So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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