It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
