Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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