I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
