I love black thongs
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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