PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
