zippers are such a cool invention
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
