I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
