peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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