Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
