i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
