well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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