so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
