My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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