I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Hippo gnu deer
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
