Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
We don't watch enough power rangers
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
