She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
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they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
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Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
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