i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
