I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
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