So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Farmville is her only friend.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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