I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
