Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
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