I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
