I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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