Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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