I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
